it's first thursday in portland

here's the write up for the IPRC opening of my show, 'this is US' and Nicole's work:

Join us on First Thursday in November as we welcome longtime IPRC'ers alissa johnson and Nicole Georges. alissa's "this is US (wish you were here)" features lovely textile illustrations of insular areas (or US territories outside of the States) relating to themes of space, identity, and the future! American culture and changes due to technology are some ideas explored in the zine of the same title. Local luminary Nicole Georges will also show her latest work revolving around the animals she knows and has known.
Thursday, Nov 5th, 6-8pm
@the IPRC
917 SW Oak #218
Free and open to the public

a deep breath

I've spent the last couple months researching away for a fellowship that a friend recommended I apply to. I saw it as an opportunity to get funded to travel and make one of my creative ideas happen with some international influence.

I feel like I could be wasting time in a fantasy world, talking with friends online that I haven't met in real life, instead of working on this - but that is real life. they're real people. writing proposals for cultural arts funding seems like more of a fantasy to me because the people I'm writing for want a cold impersonal strategy for my intentions. they seem more lifeless than the other people... and definitely less interested.

I want to give up all the time.
then I tell myself, 'you're almost done, why give up now?'
then I look at my checklist of what's left and want to give up again.
I would hope to be a person who doesn't give up on anything. who always follows through. it's a loyalty thing.
but I realize sometimes you have to let go of the extra things in life that aren't contributing to making you feel alive.
it's not that it's too hard, or that I can't focus, or that I think I have bad ideas.
it's more that this idea doesn't seem suited to what they are looking for. the way I want to make this idea happen won't make them happy.

so maybe I should stop wasting everyone's time right now and give up?

I've always struggled with planning ahead and I realize to do this type of proposal you really need to plan ahead. to start maybe a year ahead of time.
even if I had done that, it would still be an incredible challenge.

I want to focus on developing my strengths instead of struggling to make my weaknesses look decent.
I just want to be lazy sometimes and not keep up this facade of being a scholarly type. I've never been that.
I want to have time to do the things I'm good at and enjoy and not feel guilty for it.

I give up.
but.
I don't give up on the things I actually care about.
I give up so I can care more about those things.

autumn happened

i'm so distracted by all kinds of awesome going on. so many exhibitions, movies, & lectures that i want to be at. super nice sunny cool days motivate me to get out of the house and off the internet. i'm overwhelmed with applying for travel visas, to artist residencies, and doing personal and design work. i'm going to take a deep breath and go outside. do you want to go with me?